My name is Sean Tucker.
Ijust turned 30. Hooray for me! I feel like people have to take me seriously now. Of course I know they won’t, but it helps my flagging confidence to day dream that it may just be true. I’m no longer a 20-something. Apparently, it often happens at these “milestone birthdays” that you do a stock-take of your life to this point. My mind has clicked into this mode and its been a bit unnerving. As I look back now I get a flood of mixed emotions. I’m an adult, and I suppose I should be gaining some momentum on my life-path. There is some sense of that, but there is definitely a bitter taste to it all.
I feel positive about the fact that I seem to have done everything I wanted to. What I mean by that is that if my ‘17 years old self’ could see me sitting here in this coffee shop, and know where I have been and what I have done, I think he would be really impressed, his expectations exceeded, his dreams realised in flesh. I always wanted to be a Pastor, Priest, Minister, or whatever you happen to call it. I have worked in 7 churches up until now and a number of other ministries. I’ve become quite a professional. I can preach, lead worship and do all that other churchy stuff well. People are always “very impressed”. Up until now I have studied and got two undergraduate degrees, which I think makes my mom more proud than it does me. I have run events for teens here in South Africa that have been packed with over 1000 young people. I have had two Christian bands which have been able to play for hundreds of people and I’ve recorded a demo CD with my own songs which I still have to do something with. On top of it all I have been ordained and been accepted as a Pastor in the Baptist Church. So surely I have made it. Done. Check. Now I just have to sit back and enjoy it. I should feel happy, even excited.
But I can’t.
If I’m honest I feel sad. I feel really lonely and misunderstood. I feel disappointed, disillusioned, and I just want to run away. I’m confused. This is not what I thought it would be. Its like I have given everything up to get into a room full of promise only to eventually be allowed to walk through a door that leads to a dry, dusty ‘no where’. I definitely made my share of mistakes, but I don’t think the rose-colored glasses fell off because of anything I did. In short, I feel like I have had my eyes opened to what God really thinks is important and what the Institutional Church thinks is important, and they just don’t line up. I need some time and space to lick my wounds and sort the wood for the trees.
Hey
and the sermon was given by a cellgroup leader. I loved it because it was so REAL! All the trappings from the old church had fallen away and we could just be US before God! Would that we would always keep our eyes on HIM and not focus on ourselves! 
I haven’t been working in the church as a professional, but I know what you mean about the disillusionment and the fact that God’s perspective on things and man’s don’t line up. Our church has just split and we had our first “breakaway” service on Sun eve. It was great! We sat on camp chairs, there were no mics or sound-desk, or photographic presentations…. the “band” consisted of a man on the piano and a lady playing the flute (and there was no band practise beforehand
Btw I hope your plants are doing well